what it is you see is only me

"I am free here upon this Earth.
I will be witness to Rebirth."

-Christa Belle

I have found my calling and it is Deism.

All this time, I was thinking that I had faith, just wasn't sure in what, but now, I have come to realize that faith is not necessary. Faith is blind reasoning. All this time I had felt some what lost, but that was never so. This was my calling from the moment I could think. It just has a name now.

I didn't need faith, free-thought has been my guiding hand all along. The thoughts that go through my head, the questions of the universe, it is all a part of being human. We were granted our own will and reasoning and to question and be skeptical is exercisng, perhaps, the most powerful gift given to us.

So I believe in a creator, but The Creator does not control me.

o true apothecary! thy drugs are quick. thus with a kiss I die.

How sad is this? A real life Romeo. What will Juliet do now?

allez cuisine!

I wonder why anyone would actually get an Iron Chef calendar, but it's out of stock, so...

mixing things up

Maybe I should go through the endeavors of making one of these. Maybe it might spark some emotion in my heart of stone. I'll probably be too lazy but I think I could be as obsessive (if not PASSIONATE, ky) as some of those music crazed people who go through a flurry of thought to make 1 mix tape. I mean, I've done it before, although for different reasons. I'm probably not at the music expert level yet though, but we'll see. I think I need to go watch High Fidelity again.

what lies beneath

I had a dream about her recently, a daydream, to be exact, while I was dosing at work. I don't remember what it was, but it felt good for those few moments. Then I snapped back to reality and felt nothing of it. A momentary flicker of feeling, it was good while it lasted, much like the entire experience as a whole. Other than that, I've been rather numb to everything regarding it (besides that darn card--that got me a bit riled up). I'm still not sure how I should feel though.

As for new years, same ol' same ol' per the life of Jack. Then again, I've taken steps towards something entirely new as I've sought out a financial advisor to help me out with maintaining a portfolio for retirement purposes as well as looking into life insurance. Only thing is, when it comes down to it, after mortgage and regular spending habits, I don't seem to have that much left over to contribute to anything really. I guess I'll just have to start being frugal.

Oh and I don't have a resolution, never do really. Can't remember the last time that I came up with one for the new years.

As for some other belated things regarding the end of 2004. Best of lists? Movies? I'll just recommend all to go watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Garden State (and Collateral if you have the time). Enough said. Music? Hungry Lucy's To Kill a King has captured my attention over the course of this year, as well as Bonny Mckee's Trouble and Franz Ferdinand's debut.

Memorable moments? Too many to mention. I'll just say that I finally got back my East of Eden from Tham. Now all I need is my Frou Frou's Details, American Pie Soundtrack, and Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray to be returned, then the slate will be clean. But what are the odds of that? It's been a couple of years after all.

Speaking of slates being clean. I have this inkling feeling behind me that wants to just wipe everything away and start anew. It feels like nothing mattered and I want to let it all go because, if someone doesn't care, why should I? I want to cleanse myself of all that has happened recently, but there's really no possible way. I guess this is the fallout huh? Oh well, I don't know what I'm talking about. And so I begin and end this entry with her in hopes that it helps me to release my thoughts.