history often repeats itself

Perhaps it's an era coming to an end in my life and the new possibilities (or impossibilities) that come with it or my sister tying the knot and me still being single, but I feel I had to write a long story on reminiscing about my history with girls.

With pretty much every girl I've ever liked since, oh let's just say, high school, it seems, to me, history often repeats itself. Mind you, I've only liked 2 girls since freshmen year of high school, so that "every" does not encompass a whole lot. Both girls I've only gotten to the point of "talking" to them and never passed that point. I suppose my "game" was always rather incompetitent. That or I was never really in any hurry to move on, always taking it slow (at the suggestion of the other side), but even then, it never seemed to be the right pace. Either way, in both instances, I always found myself drawn back again and again.

The summer before 9th grade, I found myself instantly attracted to a girl whom I saw during a little NJROTC introduction week at my new high school. We both ended up in the same class for that program. I never much talked to her in class (the environment was not very talk-friendly), but eventually had enough guts to ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Thanks to my gamelessness, that went no where.

[tangent story] I recognized my own 9th grade faults when I ended up on what I believe to be the other side in 12th grade. Let's just say, girl seemed to be attracted to me, didn't say much (probably due to shyness, like me), and I got bored (and no, don't think I was being a jerk--I tried my hardest to try to get something going, eg: dancing, but it was all just too quiet).[//tangent story]

Nothing else really happened that year, everyone heard we were supposedly "talking" but nothing went on. So, I got over her.

Fast forward 1 year, 10th grade, the group of friends I was in started having these tennis sessions over the end of summer and into the beginning of the school year. Well, apparently, she was a part of this group through our mutural friends. After a few sessions, she developed an attraction for me that wasn't there the prior year. And so I was drawn in again. She got my number, I got her's, but never could call her because her parents were incredibly strict. So I waited every night for her call. We talked for a month or two (I don't recall exactly how long), moving at a slow pace as she requested. I was hearing good things through mutual friends. The usual, I was always on her mind, etc, etc, etc. No doubt she was definitely on mine. Then, over winter break, she stopped calling. I wasn't quite sure then as to the reason and to this day I'm still at a loss. I didn't much see her around school after we got back, so I eventually had my sister call her house to ask for her. We talked a bit and she broke it to me that it wasn't going to work, that it was moving too slow for her. Naturally that probably wasn't the real reason, but that was the end of that.

The next two years I found myself drawn back to her at least twice (once for each year I suppose). I couldn't really help it, after all, we did end up going to prom together. The feelings probably weren't mutual though, but it happened anyway because I was most likely naive and stupid.

I moved on though, this time for good. It wasn't too difficult, since I had dealt with it a number of times.

My 1st year of college, I was working at a diner in a mall. Across from where I worked was another restaurant. There, I laid my eyes upon the second of the two girls I originally mentioned and was instantly enchanted. After a few weeks of researching and sneaking peeks at her from across the hall, I eventually conjured up the guts to ask for her number, which she happily gave. It was a glorious moment, but little did I know what I had gotten myself into. Over the course of the next few months, she became the most difficult girl to reach. I spoke to her maybe, at most, 5-6 times. They were the most lovely of conversations, but she just did not seem to have the time. I was a quitter, so I gave up.

But, I was also a fool, so I recontacted her about a year later just to see what she was up to. Cheerily, we had a splendid conversation, and I was drawn in for a second time, only to never find her there much like before. And so I gave up again, telling myself I had learned this time around, to not put myself out there like an idiot and repeat the same mistakes.

I was doing good, for about 2 years. Come around to the end of my 4th year in college, I joined this thing called friendster. It was quite a novelty at the time. I started looking up to see if I could find every single person I once knew just to see if there was anyone worth recontacting and reminiscing the old times with. Foolishly, I looked her up, and well, she was there. I decided to contact her once again just to see if she remembered me and what she was up to. With her friendly attitude, she drew me in again. We started off exchanging long friendster messages, but that was just far too annoying for me, so eventually, we switched to emails. Back and forth, back and forth it went. Naturally, we exchanged numbers at some point, this time, however, we had each other's cellular phone numbers. This made her much more accessible, to an extent at least, and we had lovely conversations once again. Although they were more frequent, but still not enough for my liking. She was still too busy and in the end, it dissolved once again.

And recently, near the end of my 5th and final year of college, I received an email from her through some birthday reminder service requesting I enter my birthday for her knowledge. It wasn't uncommon to receive something from her occasionally, be it e-cards and the like, so I happily provided my information. I decided I'd request the same thing from her. However, since the school year was coming to a close and remembering she was supposedly graduating this year too, I decided also to write her an email to see how she was doing and to get an update on her status while I was at it. In her cheery ways, she updated me, mentioning that maybe we could take a picture together if I were to be at the graduation too, all I had to do was call her up after the ceremony.

Come graduation day, I contemplated the idea, but wisely decided against it, since I knew it would make me into an idiot once again. My lesson was learned, or so I thought, as fate is often cruel. While busily taking pictures with my family in the northern parking lot, I peer in the corner of my eye and, either expectedly or unexpectedly (depending on how you look at this situation), I see her. She didn't notice me, since she was busy taking pictures with her family. At that point, I could have went up to her and talked to her, not knowing the consequences of that action, but instead I cowardly or intelligently kept my attention with my family. Eventually, we both left, her a few yards in front of me. The distance was miniscule, but with my family in tow, it would have seemed weird to give chase. It tugged at me the entire time we were stuck in traffic trying to leave the area. She had looked so beautiful. So, while waiting to be seated for lunch with my family, my foolishness got the better of me and I opened my cellular phone and called her. I will say that my intention and excuse was to congratulate her on graduating, but her openness took us into a fairly longer conversation than I had intended. I ended up calling her again later that evening, but this time around with no other excuse than wanting to talk to her.

And so I'm afraid that history maybe repeating once again.

a day of mourning and joy

hot squad

I enjoy our times together. There's something about spending time together with just the four of us. I guess it's sort of nostalgic. But despite nostalgia, we are all still moving ahead. These are exciting times, but it's always good to look back every now and then. The moments are rare, but they are always cherished.

Now if only we can come up with a hot squad name for jennifer.

On another note, a scary thought. I shot a handgun with far too little thought to it. The power that was within my hands at that moment, never really thought about it. I just pulled the trigger without hesitation. Should I have felt something different?

the unveiling

Now is the time to unveil what I've been working on the past few days on my spare time. Here it is. I was a bit lazy to change most of the default template, but I'm satisfied with the flavor I've added. So there you have it.